


Buzz Kill

by blacktofade



Series: Kingsman Tumblr Prompts [8]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Accidents, Embarrassment, Established Relationship, Hospitalization, M/M, Vibrators
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-04-04 10:01:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4133352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blacktofade/pseuds/blacktofade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It starts with a vibrator and ends with a trip to A&E.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Buzz Kill

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt: OMG okay, I have a question (if you’re still doing requests, if not then disregard this)do you know that tumblr post about the guy who got a vibrator stuck up his butt? What about that situation, but Eggsy because he was feeling particularly frustrated while Harry’s out of the country on a mission??
> 
> Please see the following for clarification: [NSFW-ish](http://imgur.com/a/pmw6R)

It’s actually okay for the first hour or so. Eggsy comes four times, never really goes soft to be honest, and it’s pretty fun as far as wanking goes.

Except then everything gets too sensitive and his bollocks ache because he can’t even come anymore, it’s just dry and painful, and when he goes to pull his vibrator free, his fingers are too slippery and it’s in too deep for him to remove. Which is about the time the regret starts.

It’s his first vibrator—ordered off the Ann Summers website as he didn’t know where else to look—because now that he has his own flat, he doesn’t have to worry about who will see his post. It’s also his first time using it and he belatedly realises now why there were recommendations for men’s vibrators _and_ women’s vibrators. He probably should have at least bought one with a thicker base.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Eggsy swears emphatically, fingers grappling futilely inside of himself.

It doesn’t even shift when he bears down against it, trying to push it out naturally. It just leaves him sore and twitching as it continues buzzing away happily.

He’s never going to live it down.

*

After thirty minutes of trying to get it out of him, the dread begins to fill his chest and he realises it’s probably time to recruit help.

*

Twenty minutes after that finds him sitting—uncomfortably, because there’s no comfortable position when there’s something large and buzzing wedged in a tight place—in A&E, trying to find the right words to write on his form to explain his situation. The nurse—thankfully a professional in any situation it seems—maintains a straight face while talking him through the plan to help him. The way she speaks makes him think he might not actually be the first she’s dealt with. He’s unsure if that’s reassuring or downright horrific.

He realises he doesn’t actually care either way when he’s lying awkwardly on an examination table, cock half-mast as the nurse lines up the x-ray machine to take shots. After she guides him back to the private room to wait for the technician to read the x-rays, Eggsy drops his head into his hands and lets out a long, unhappy breath.

Which is precisely when his phone begins to buzz in his pocket.

He doesn’t actually notice it at first, too used to the dull noise of the vibrator inside him, but it’s insistent and when he pulls it free, the name on the screen is the last one he wants to see. He tries ignoring it, which only makes them call again, and after five missed calls and two voice messages he refuses to check, he finally answers.

“Harry,” Eggsy says, to which there’s a pause on the other line.

“Is something wrong?” Harry asks and Eggsy can’t stop the helpless laugh that escapes him.

“Why would something be wrong?” he asks, sounding a little crazed even to his own ears.

“Eggsy,” Harry implores gently and Eggsy rubs his palm over his forehead, wishing the nurse would return so he can ask her to put him out of his misery.

“You were gone,” Eggsy begins. “What was I meant to do?”

He belatedly realises that it sounds a lot as though he’s cheated on Harry while Harry’s been away on a mission and his stomach drops at the quiet way Harry says his name.

“Eggsy?” he asks and Eggsy curses loudly.

“I didn’t cheat, I promise,” Eggsy hurriedly tells him. “I just—I found and might have bought something that may or may not now be stuck somewhere it shouldn’t be. Well, not even somewhere it shouldn’t be, just someplace it shouldn’t be two hours after the fact.”

“Eggsy?” Harry repeats and Eggsy sighs loudly and resigns himself to his terrible fate.

“I have a vibrator stuck inside me and it’s still fucking _on_ , Harry.”

There’s a long pause on the line and Eggsy actually checks the screen to make sure it hasn’t dropped.

“Would you like me to find a discreet way to get you to A&E?” Harry asks and Eggsy laughs shakily.

“Way ahead of you, Harry. They just took x-rays.”

There’s another pause, but this time it’s joined by suspicious breathing.

“This ain’t funny, Harry, you wanker,” Eggsy complains, even as Harry outright begins laughing, no longer trying to hide it. “I’m hanging up.”

“Eggsy,” Harry says quietly. “Forgive me.”

“You’re going to have some making up to do when you’re home.”

He can practically hear Harry’s grin when he says, “Will said making up involve your new toy?”

Eggsy groans frustratedly and stares at the ceiling.

“This fucking thing is going in the bin as soon as it’s out. The only thing going near my arse in the near future are fingers and maybe your dick if you ask nicely.”

“That can be arranged,” Harry tells him. “I’m almost home anyway.”

Eggsy sits up straighter, even though the movement shifts the damn vibrator and makes him flinch.

“I thought Merlin said you weren’t coming back for another three days.”

“Things went better than expected,” Harry says. “We’ll touch down at HQ in just over an hour.”

“Thank Christ,” Eggsy exhales. “Though for the record, you ain’t going near my arse for at least two weeks, maybe longer. God knows what this is going to do to my body.”

“Duly noted,” Harry replies and Eggsy smiles, possibly the first time since the whole thing started.

There’s a faint knock on the door and then a technicians walks in, nodding at Eggsy before hanging up the x-rays on the lightboard for Eggsy to see.

“Harry, I gotta go,” he says. “But the x-rays are magnificent. I’ll ask if I can get a copy for the office.”

“ _Eggsy_ ,” Harry warns and Eggsy laughs.

“Only joking,” he replies. “We can put them in the bedroom instead.”

“I’ll see you soon,” Harry tells him, ignoring his joke and Eggsy laughs, feeling a lot lighter.

“Yeah, okay, old man. Put the kettle on for me.”

“Goodbye, Eggsy,” Harry says, though Eggsy can hear the affection regardless.

He ends the call and looks expectantly at the technician.

“How long are batteries meant to last?” Eggsy jokes, which doesn’t even get a smile.

“We’ll need to remove this as soon as possible before further damage can be done.”

“Figured as much,” Eggsy replies. “How do we do that?”

*

As it turns out, the preferred method for vibrator extraction is a light sedative that leaves Eggsy groggy, but blessedly thankful half an hour later when his body has finally stopped buzzing and he can sit like a normal person.

After a nap that isn’t really part of his plan, Eggsy finds he’s been wheeled into his own room and there’s someone sitting beside his bed, a book in their hands.

“ _Nghh_ ,” Eggsy groans, finding his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth and Harry glances up, carefully marking his page before setting the book aside and reaching for a glass of water from Eggsy’s bedside.

“How are you feeling?” he asks as Eggsy sips tentatively at his drink.

“Been better,” Eggsy complains. “Feel like I might shit myself at any moment.”

Harry doesn’t even seem phased.

“The doctor said that might be an unfortunate side effect.”

Eggsy pulls a face and hopes it doesn’t actually happen. He’d been pretty diligent about cleaning before he’d started experimenting anyway.

“This is the most ridiculous thing,” Eggsy complains and Harry leans over to take the cup from him, setting it back on the bedside.

“You’re forgetting the time I broke two toes getting onto the tube,” Harry reminds him and Eggsy laughs groggily, remembering Harry’s colourful swearing and Merlin’s laughter when Eggsy had helped Harry into the medical bay.

“Point taken,” Eggsy replies and Harry stands, moving close enough to press a gentle kiss to Eggsy’s mouth.

“I am glad, however, that you’re okay,” Harry tells him and Eggsy smiles against his mouth as he pulls him in for another quick kiss.

“Tomorrow may be another matter completely,” Eggsy points out and Harry takes a seat again, but keeps a hold of Eggsy’s hand.

“Perhaps I need to cut down the amount of time I spend away,” Harry says, “since you seem to get into all sorts of trouble without me here.”

“You know I won’t complain about that,” Eggsy tells him and the corner of Harry’s mouth quirks.

“Or perhaps I just need to give you a thorough lesson on appropriate toys.”

Eggys shuts his eyes and groans.

“The _T_ word is banned right now. But ask me again in a month and we’ll see.”

Harry pats his hand and sits back in his chair.

“Get some rest, Eggsy. You’ve had a long day.”

“Understatement of the year,” Eggsy replies, but shuts his eyes and squeezes Harry’s hand in his own as he lets himself drift once more.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to come cry with me on [Tumblr](http://blacktofade.tumblr.com/) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/eggsybacon)!


End file.
